My Friends Jessica, Dicky & Shine

These are my friends from Hong Kong. I met Jessica in 2000. I went back the following year with my Dad. I took him to the Great Wall. She and her friends hosted us. We had a blast. The food was fantastic: my favorite was Dim Sum.

Now she is married to Dicky and Shine is their little boy. What a great name. She works for a law firm in HK.

What I Learned This Week: Forgiveness

Oh boy. This is a tough one. My husband said to me this week, "You're such a bitter person." Ouch. Okay. No one has ever said that to me before. Leave it to our husbands or closest friends to lay it out there for ya! Well, that got me thinking. Thankfully, I didn't blow that comment off (like I'm so likely to do when my husband criticizes me and I get mad and can't see past the hurt and madNESS!).

I asked myself, "Am I bitter?" Maybe. More hurt than bitter, I think...but it may be showing itself to others as bitterness. Ouch, again. That's an awful word really. People can call me moody or impatient or opinionated, but bitter. That doesn't set well with me. I don't like that title and don't want that title.

But, ONCE AGAIN, my husband is right, I think (don't you just hate that?!), and so a little self-examination went on within me this week. I'm finding it VERY hard to forgive my former work colleague and move beyond what he did to me (although it was to the Army, but I taking it personally). Thus here I am in bitterville because I can't forgive. AND, wouldn't you know, God keeps bringing this guy into our lives (Stan and I) as if to say, "I'm not finished with him yet, and you shouldn't be either."

Geez.

Let me back up...
...there was a time some months ago (around April) when Stan and I thought there would be three in this partnership and talked at length about how we could be real instruments of the Holy Spirit in this man's life. We were humbled and excited about being positive influences in his life...we were all going through this tragedy together (losing our jobs) and Stan and I were determined to be witnesses to God's mercy and faithfulness in the midst of all this and beyond. Which we were, but then our colleague took a turn to the dark side, and Stan and I were so hurt by this that we backed off completely.

And now these months later the hurt is still there and I can't forgive. Not yet...I believe God is still working on me and this week is the latest in the healing process. I don't expect this to happen overnight, but I've traveled very far in one week. I find that odd things strike me very deeply and then I realize I'm still hurting and still healing.

For example, Stan and I were given the opportunity to go to our former studios and pick out whatever furniture was left (there wasn't any) and put a bid in on it. I found that I couldn't go....had to ask Stan to do it alone. When he called me to explain what happened, I had to stop him cold as he started to describe all that was missing in the rooms. I didn't and couldn't hear that.

Another example...
... went to lunch with a couple from the office and they started telling Stan and me who was now in our offices...I was sick to my stomach and could barely listen...I was severely depressed the rest of the day and cried when I got home.

So, it's still fresh. But, I'm learning to forgive...don't know if I'm there yet. Today at church the pastor said, "God does big things in response to our small steps." I believe that to be true. Though forgiving in this situation is a huge step for me on one level, it is a small one in truth.

God forgives. God forgives all.

When I think about all the people Jesus met when He walked this earth, I know He came across many who thought He was a kook or a religious fanatic. Many probably told Him so to His face. Many hurled insults at Him...we know many did on the way to the cross. He forgave them all?

I can't even wrap my brain around that right now because I can't forgive someone who hurt me deeply....deeply. I saw evil there and all I want to do is stay away from that evil...not continue to be near it and minister to it! Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaattt?????? Crazy.

Christ forgives all. Have the relatives of those killed on September 11 forgiven? What about those families who have lost a son or daughter...husband/wife...in Iraq by way of kidnapping...torture...senseless killing.

As we commemorate the 5th anniversary of 9/11...have we, as a nation, forgiven? Or are we still out for revenge? Is it possible to forgive such evil? God loves us all. He is the God of the Jew, the Muslim, and Christian. God loves. God is Love. God forgives.

So, I'm bitter my husband says. My hurt is coming out as bitterness according to him. I think I feel totally out of control of everything so I lash out in bitterness to feel like I'm controlling something. Dave and I had a huge blow up (I did anyway) about cutting down all the bamboo on the right side of our house. The house next door has been vacant for several years. The new owner has been "working" on it for that long. The landscaping...well there isn't any at the moment...he backhoed it all down...tress, shrubs, grass, bamboo (on his side of the property line)...so there's just a big gravel pit all around his house and there's just a thin layer of bamboo on our side to cover up the ugliness next door.

Now, all of a sudden Mr. Neighbor is back and has been "cleaning" up the place with another backhoe all weekend and asked if we wanted to use the guy to take down our bamboo. Dave thought it was a great idea! He felt it needed to get leveled so it could start again next spring fresh. Imagine! I went ballistic! It was that control thing. I needed to feel in control of at least the bamboo! since everything else in my life is spinning out of control.

I woke up again this week with insomnia and panicky about this whole business venture that Stan and I are in. Once again thinking...

"What the hell am I doing?"
"I can't do this."
"I'm not any good at this."

Oh boy.

I spoke to a friend of mine tonight who is going through a really tough time with her marriage. She's having a hard time forgiving her husband.

She said to me, "All this time I've been on the defensive. Claiming 'you've done this to me', 'you're the reason I'm miserable and have become physically ill,' 'it's your fault.' 'I've done nothing wrong,' 'you've hurt me beyond belief.' Just this week I've realized that I've not been acting Christ-like in this marriage. I've been bitter (there's that word!) and hurt and angry. All valid emotions, but the Lord told me this week that it is His job to handle my husband soul...I need to work on me and become forgiving and Christ-like in all my dealings."

Wow. That hit home to me. I certainly haven't been acting Christ-like to my former colleague. I've not been doing anything other than absolutely avoiding him like the plaque. I'm not being too hard on myself as I know working through the hurt is a process. But, I'm realizing that I can't stay there. How does one forgive? How do you feel it deep...and know it is going to stick?

Sure, in church this morning I felt as though I could do it. I felt good about myself. But, seeing him face to face...even potentially workin with him in the future...sigh. I don't know. It scares me. I mean, I don't want him to think all is forgiven... he needs to pay! I'm not going to let this go just like that! I don't want to work with someone who is dishonest and deceitful. Oh, wait...I do need to forgive him.

HA. This is going to be hard!

I'm Out of here!

Well, as I sit here Monday evening thinking about the next four days, I wonder how I'll handle it. Last week I was a mess...cried just about every day. I hope I don't do that this week. It's really hitting me hard right now. Can't believe after 22 years I'm being laid off. Can't believe really that no one has called to see if I would be interested in doing something else within the organization. For once, I'd sure like to be wanted...to be sought after. Wouldn't we all, right?

I'm so feeling sorry for myself! :+) Well, I deserve it for just a second or two then I know I need to move on.

It's just a real kick in the butt.

Sigh...

The Andes. La Paz, Bolivia. 

View from our helicopter. Alaska. 

Cochabamba, Bolivia. 

Brother Jeff and I with our plane in Alaska. 

Inside Passage of Alaska at twilight. 

Bolivian girl hiding behind her mother's skirt. Cochabamba, Bolivia. 

Atacama Desert, Peru. Driest desert in the world.  

Brother, Jeff, and me on top of glacier in Alaska. 

Husband, David, in Cochabamba, Bolivia. Videotaping neighborhood visitation by The Salvation Army.  

The Traveler on Ancud Island in Southern Chile. 

The Throne Room

On Sunday I stepped into the throne room. I must say that I haven’t been there in quite some time. Now, I have just popped my head through the door and uttered a few words of petition from time to time. But, I haven’t actually walked inside and spent time there.

I’m not sure why. It’s very nice inside. It’s peaceful, reassuring, and the door is always unlocked. The invitation is always there….looming. Okay, maybe not looming…beckoning. It’s not like I don’t think about it. Actually, the fact that I haven’t been in in a while is on my mind quite a bit. Maybe that’s where the “looming” feeling comes in. My absence sits there right in front of my mind’s eye it seems like all the time.

But, I did venture in today. Not on my own (that’s where I have the most trouble). It was with the help of about 500 people. There’s something to be said about corporate worship. The unity of spirit seems to give me the ability to walk through the door and then sit and be still.

Although, once you do get in there it is hard to stay in there for any length of time. I think most people would prefer a drive-thru window rather than eating in.

I’ve just come off of two months of medical leave with all the time in the world to step inside and spend some time. A friend of mine said, “Oh, how great. You’ll be able to relax and spend a lot of time with the Lord.” I’m ashamed to say I never really thought of that time off in that way. No, I just stuck my head in the door a couple times, (drove through the drive-thru) and that’s it.

Why is it so hard to walk through that door and then once inside enjoy the presence of the Lord? I guess it’s hard to be still. It’s hard to listen. It’s hard to hear what the Lord has to say…hard to hear what is required of you.

Although, it’s not much. He just wants a relationship with us. Why can’t we commit to that simply thing? We spend more time trying to make our marriages, our work relationships and friendships work than we do with our Creator.

Beyond Our Borders - From the Journal of a Wanderer

Author’s Note:
I consider myself a wanderer in that I tend to vigorously and sometimes purposefully roam. My husband says I have a wanderlust about me that keeps me searching. For what, you ask? Well, truth, I guess. There’s so much about life that God wants to teach us…so much about His heart that He wants us to experience. So, I wander with purpose in order to learn.

My 20 years of travels with The Salvation Army’s Video Production Facility (OMM Productions) have taken me around the world to over two-dozen countries where I have seen and smelled and heard what tourists will never experience. These wanderings beyond the borders of Dallas, Texas, have played a major role in moving me beyond my own personal boundaries of spiritual, mental and physical safety. God has shown me a Salvation Army that feels His heartache and shares His unconditional love with the people of the world.
I humbly share with you now an excerpt from one of my journals in the hopes that it will inspire you to search beyond your own borders.

The Traveler


August 25, 1996
Sunday, 5:00pm
Mumbai, India

The streets are…well…there are no streets. They’re more like narrow walkways, and on either side are one-room homes made out of cinder block. The walkway is probably about four feet across and made of large stones. This makes walking very difficult and uneven.

A cement trench runs along the walkway just in front of these shacks. So, you only have about 2 or 2-1/2 feet of walking space. It’s so narrow; we can barely fit through carrying our video equipment.

The trench is used for garbage and human refuse. I wince at the smell and try not to look too closely. These people have to step over this trench when walking out the front door of their homes.

It’s incredibly hot and humid. Walking through these camped paths you feel the heat pressing in on you making the smell almost unbearable.

Here, in this squalor, the Army was led to establish a corps. We are on our way to the Jerimeri Corps to attend the evening service. Located in one of the suburbs of Bombay, now called Mumbai, this tiny corps serves thousands of untouchables. Though the government stance on the centuries-old caste system is that it officially no longer exists… my colleague and I are hit with it like a blow to the stomach in all its utter poverty and filth.

The one-room building, also made of cinder block, was overflowing with people. The women sat on floor on the left of the room, the men on the right. Not an inch of floor space was left vacant in this 30 x 30 room. No stage, no carpeting, no chairs with the exception of a small wooden bench at the back. It was just four walls with a bare bulb hanging from the ceiling.

I sat down on the bench trying to take it all in…the journey down all the walkways and then this lowly place called a “Salvation Army corps.” How could God be here? It suddenly became overwhelming.

I wept uncontrollably as I screamed in my soul, Where are you, Lord?!
I felt nothing but pain and anguish.

Drowning in my own grief, I hadn’t realized that these people had started to sing. What is this?! What are they singing?!

“This is my story, this is my song,
Praising my Savior all the day long.”

Blessed Assurance?! You’ve got to be kidding! What’s so blessed about this existence?!
In anger I continued to shout at the Lord in my soul, how could you let these forgotten people suffer so? Where is your mercy, where is your peace amongst this filth and poverty? WHERE ARE YOU, LORD?

Then, the Lord quietly spoke. My head shot up as I looked around searching for the one who was speaking to me. His words cut through to my soul.

“Little one, I am right here…in this little room, in all this squalor and pain. This is my dwelling place for these my children.”

I couldn’t breathe. Never in my life had I heard the Lord’s voice in such an audible manner. Then, I realized that the pain and anguish I was feeling was not of these people, but my own. Who in their right mind wants to experience this kind of pain that reaches to the very depths of one’s soul?

But, this is what God requests of us, I realized. To see through His eyes; to smell what He smells; feel what He feels; and to carry His cross.

Lord, have mercy on me. Forgive my hardened heart. Awaken my soul. Abba. Father. Thank you for your faithfulness to these, your people. Make me worthy to support You in Your work here in this little room called The Salvation Army Jerimeri Corps.