The Other Side of the Street

Had a long discussion with Stan last Friday about where we/I am with the Biz.

As I've elluded to in previous postings, I'm just suffering a bit of depression and finding it a pain to get up and out of the house in the mornings. Over the past four months I've been slowly figuring out that I'm not happy about where I am with my life right now. I could never figure out why I was feeling this now as opposed to last year.

It hit me on Friday.

I was SO busy June through December of last year, I didn't have time to think about (in any depth anyway) where I was and how I got there. I was processing what had happened to me and knew I was healing slowly. But, I realize now that I was only going just under the surface in my thinking. Now, during these months in 2007 when our biz has been slow God has pushed me deeper. I find it quite interesting that God waited until now to push me. He knew I couldn't have handled it last year.

So, a lot of things going on right now and are slowly coming to light.

First of all...
...I've been trusting in the busy-ness!

I've been, not in a panic, but certainly anxiety-ridden these past months because of the slowness of the business. This "quiet" time has shown me that last year I was trusting in the busy-ness of the work. God, I believe, has been ok with that, but now He's saying to me..."okay let's get your trust placed where it should be."

Another thing...
...I am angry.

Having experienced grief in a powerful way because of losing my brother (died in 2003 unexpectedly from complications due to Diabetes), I realized what I am feeling right now is the same thing. Let me explain...

It's funny, but I didn't realize it until talking with Stan on Friday. Let this be a lesson to you all...talk out your thoughts/feelings to someone you trust. It forces you to SPEAK what you're feeling and it is amazing what comes out of one's mouth!I didn't realize I was angry, but I am. And, this is one of the "seasons" in experiencing grief. We've been saying since way last April that it felt like we were experiencing a death and we knew that we were grieving for the loss of our jobs and the loss of the department in general. But, it didn't occur to me that I would go through the same "seasons" of grief.

So, I'm mad.

Mad that I'm here right now in my life. I don't want to be. Thus, the reason for feeling depressed, not wanting to face the day, etc. And, this feeling has been amplified these past months because the work is slow and the anxiety of finances is high.

I'm not happy or feeling joy in my life at all right now. And, that sucks!

So, I'm processing all this right now. You all are traveling this road with me. It's all slowly coming together... figuring out why I feel the way I do, trying to understand why I don't feel content in where I am with my life, etc. It's been a slow journey, but I'm beginning to see some light and I'm slowly getting to the other side of the street.

Okay...so I'm mad.

I get that now. I'm mad that what's happened to me has happened. It pisses me off. I'm angry at God, though....not the Army anymore. Isn't that lovely? I've transferred my anger to God! HA.

So, I'm mad because this is hard, I'm not putting any money into our retirement accounts, I can't travel which is my heart's desire, etc. etc. I didn't ask to be here. And, when I look out in front of me, I see nothing...blackness.

Okay, so that makes me depressed and feel sorry for myself and all I want to do is eat and sleep. So, I've got this much figured out. I know this much.

What else I know (I've just figured this out since Friday)...is that I KNOW I'm in God's will for my life right now. I know I'm suppose to be running this company with Stan, and we're running it under His authority. So I'm good there. Which, in my mind, means that if that is true, then I should be content and have joy because I am right where I'm suppose to be. But, I don't feel or have those things in my spirit right now.

God is okay with that...He certainly, I believe, is glad...well, maybe that isn't the right word, but I think He is "okay" with me being where I am because He's trying to get me to the next level and without going through this muck, I can't reach it. Get it? An Ah-Ha moment for anyone besides me?

I refer back to that previous blog which references Revelations 12. The dragon is standing right in front of me (thus I only see blackness) waiting to devour this new thing that is about to be birthed in my life. He knows God is pushing me to the next level...this is huge for me. It is a level of trust that I've never experienced before in my life. Satan knows it and he's waiting. And waiting.

So, I'm on the brink of getting to the other side of the street...I'm almost there. But it's like wearing lead shackles on my ankles. Sometimes I have dreams where I'm trying to run, but my feet are like lead and I just can't move but in super slow motion. I just need to be patient, though...I think I need to move slow and process all of this...so it sinks in. And, sinks in deep so it becomes part of the foundation God is laying in my heart.

So, friends...pray that I continue to move in the direction of the other side of the street, though it may be slow going. At least I'm moving in the right direction. A couple of months ago I was just standing on the other sidewalk looking across and having no desire to go anywhere.